My brother-in-law is a 25-year-old heroin addict who has been struggling with opiate addiction for the past 7 years

Addiction is a devastating disease that affects not only the individual but also their entire family. As Christians, we are called to love and support our loved ones, but it can be challenging to discern how to do so effectively without enabling destructive behaviors. The story of your brother-in-law’s struggle with heroin addiction and the enabling behavior of his mother highlights the complexities and heartache involved in such situations. Here, we will explore how to approach this issue from a Christian perspective, offering practical advice and spiritual guidance.

Penny’s Story

My brother-in-law is a 25-year-old heroin addict who has been struggling with opiate addiction for the past 7 years. I’ve known him for a decade, and it’s been heartbreaking to watch him destroy his life and deeply hurt his family, especially his mother.

It all started with a pill habit in high school, but over the years, his addiction progressively worsened. Around 3 years ago, he began injecting heroin intravenously, and that’s when his behavior escalated alarmingly. Now, he’s on the verge of death.

The biggest problem is his mother, who is a classic enabler. A few years ago, when my in-laws separated, my brother-in-law used it as an excuse to escalate his drug use. He’s always played the victim card, using every difficult situation as justification to get high. Growing up, he had everything handed to him by his affluent parents, which did him a massive disservice.

After the separation, his mother moved into her own apartment, and this man-child, without a job or life skills, moved in with her. That’s when the enabling skyrocketed because, without his father’s influence, he could manipulate his mother easily.

Like most addicts, my brother-in-law is an expert at deception, manipulation, and scamming to support his habit. The problem is that his mother either believes or wants to believe his lies, no matter how illogical they sound. She can’t stop herself from falling for his stories, which almost always revolve around needing money. He’s also a professional thief and has stolen and pawned everything from her house – even her vacuum, kitchen appliances, and furniture.

It’s heartbreaking to see my mother-in-law living like a prisoner, but I can’t feel too much sympathy because she keeps allowing this to happen. Even after realizing she’s been scammed, she continues to fall into the same traps, kicking him out for a few hours only to let him back in when he guilt-trips her with promises of rehab or change.

I’ve tried to explain the severity of drug addiction to her and suggested counseling and Naranon meetings to help her understand what she’s dealing with, but she ignores me and the problem. It’s as if she thinks this is just a high school phase, even though he’s 25 and has been addicted for 7 years. It’s deep psychological denial.

I’ve advised her not to bail him out when he gets arrested or to call the police about his stealing to get him into court-ordered rehab, but every time, he manipulates her with threats to his safety, and she caves in.

While I understand the difficulty of kicking out one’s child, she should realize that burying her child is even harder.

At this point, my focus is to protect my family from him. After he stole jewelry worth $3,000 from my wife (his sister) years ago, we laid down the law that he’s not welcome in our home or around our possessions. Since then, he hasn’t been able to steal from us again. I will not be a victim or an enabler.

Now that I have a young child, I don’t want them anywhere near my brother-in-law, but my mother-in-law and wife make it difficult to enforce that because they still see him as the little boy they knew, downplaying the dangers an addict poses. I see him as a threat to my child’s safety. When I try to block contact, they accuse me of overreacting, causing stress and arguments between my wife and me.

This enrages me because they live in a cloud of hope, while I see the reality. He knows he can’t manipulate me, and he knows I see through his lies. It infuriates me to watch him scam them while acting like a cool, popular guy, oblivious to the fact that he’s a 25-year-old loser living with his mommy, jobless, girlfriendless, and possessionless.

My wife’s family takes an out-of-state vacation every year, and a police detective in my family informed me that my brother-in-law has an active bench warrant for absconding from probation a couple of months ago. As a non-violent offender, they haven’t pressed to arrest him, but he has an upcoming trial this month. If he misses it due to not turning himself in, they’ll likely come after him.

I’m hoping he gets locked up before this vacation because when he goes, I have to babysit him to ensure he doesn’t steal from everyone in the house. His mother and wife trust him, which always ends badly, so I’m the one who has to lock up my belongings, stay back at the house if he’s there (can’t leave him alone), and vigilantly watch my child for dropped pills, needles, or drug paraphernalia.

His mother isn’t sure about going this year, which would mean he wouldn’t go, but if she does, he has to go too because she’s afraid to leave him alone in her house. I’ve told my wife he shouldn’t go on vacation because he’s unemployed, no one in the family likes him, and he’s on probation. She agrees but says her mother won’t listen to our concerns.

His mother knows he can’t leave the state on probation, but he’s already started scamming her by saying he requested to get off probation early (conveniently before the vacation), which is the opposite of reality (warrant and probation violation).

I’m torn about whether to notify the sheriff’s office/probation department that he intends to leave the state, which would hopefully get him picked up before the vacation to prevent him from going or let the system catch up to him on its own to avoid retaliation from him.

The best thing for him at this point is court-mandated rehab or being locked up and forced to face his addiction. The only other option is death.

It’s tough being on the outside of “their” family issues when it comes to making decisions or helping, but the fact is I’m affected by all of this through my wife. I want him to get into the system to save his life because I feel like everyone else is just “hoping” things will get better. Unlike them, I see an opportunity here to get him the help he needs, but I don’t want to risk hurting my relationship with my wife by going behind her back and telling on him. I know that if I told them I was going to inform his probation officer, they would resist me and continue to protect him.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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One of the most critical distinctions to make when dealing with a loved one’s addiction is the difference between helping and enabling. Enabling behaviors, though often well-intentioned, can perpetuate the addiction by shielding the addict from the natural consequences of their actions. This can include giving them money, making excuses for their behavior, or allowing them to live rent-free without contributing to the household.

Helping, on the other hand, involves supporting the addict in ways that encourage recovery and personal responsibility. This might include: – Encouraging them to seek professional treatment. – Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. – Providing emotional support without compromising your own well-being.

The Role of Tough Love

Tough love is a concept that can be difficult to implement but is often necessary. It involves setting firm boundaries and allowing the addict to face the consequences of their actions. This approach is rooted in the belief that experiencing the full impact of their addiction may motivate them to seek help.

Scriptural Guidance: Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” While this verse is often associated with child-rearing, the principle of loving discipline can be applied to adult relationships as well. By not enabling your brother-in-law, you are showing him a form of tough love that may ultimately lead to his recovery.

Seeking Professional Help

Addiction is a complex disease that often requires professional intervention. Encouraging your brother-in-law to enter a rehabilitation program, whether voluntarily or through court-mandated rehab, is a crucial step. Court-ordered rehab has been shown to be as effective as voluntary rehab, providing a structured environment for recovery.

For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.’ We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the food they eat.2 Thessalonians 3:10-12

Scriptural Guidance: James 5:14-15 encourages us to seek help and prayer in times of illness: “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up.”

Supporting the Enabler

Your mother-in-law’s enabling behavior is likely rooted in love and fear. She may believe that by helping her son, she is protecting him, but in reality, she is preventing him from facing the consequences that might lead to recovery. Encouraging her to seek support through counseling or support groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon can help her understand the impact of her actions and find healthier ways to support her son.

Scriptural Guidance: Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Supporting your mother-in-law in finding the right help is a way of carrying her burden and guiding her towards healthier behaviors.

Protecting Your Family

Your primary responsibility is to protect your immediate family, especially your young child. Setting firm boundaries and ensuring that your brother-in-law does not have access to your home or possessions is crucial. This may cause tension, but it is necessary for the safety and well-being of your family.

Scriptural Guidance: 1 Timothy 5:8 states, “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Protecting your family is a biblical mandate, and it is essential to prioritize their safety.

Making Difficult Decisions

Deciding whether to inform the authorities about your brother-in-law’s intention to leave the state while on probation is a challenging decision. It is essential to weigh the potential benefits of getting him into the system for treatment against the possible strain on your relationships. Open communication with your wife about your concerns and intentions is crucial to maintaining trust and unity in your marriage.

Scriptural Guidance: Matthew 18:15-17 provides a framework for addressing sin within the community: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church.”

Dealing with a loved one’s addiction is a heart-wrenching journey that requires wisdom, strength, and faith. By distinguishing between helping and enabling, practicing tough love, seeking professional help, supporting the enabler, protecting your family, and making difficult decisions with prayerful consideration, you can navigate this challenging situation in a way that honors God and promotes healing.

Remember, you are not alone in this struggle. Lean on your faith, seek support from your church community, and trust that God is with you every step of the way.

Share the story with family and friends, allowing them to experience it alongside you.