Four days ago, I confronted my husband about our relationship because I sensed he was disengaged

Marriage is a sacred bond, but it can also be a source of profound pain and confusion, especially when faced with significant challenges. If you find yourself in a situation where your spouse is disengaged, struggling with personal issues, and contemplating separation, it can feel like your world is falling apart. Here’s a guide to navigating these turbulent waters with faith and wisdom.

Lise’s Story

Four days ago, I confronted my husband about our relationship because I sensed he was disengaged. During our conversation, he shared that he dislikes California and his job, and feels we lack common interests since I can’t join him in activities like hiking or skiing. Additionally, he wants to be alone to focus on his music, and I have family commitments here that I can’t leave. Our marriage has been strained by his increased marijuana use and his addiction to the internet.

Despite these issues, I was heartbroken by the talk of separation. He reassured me that his feelings weren’t a reflection of me but rather his own struggles, and he expressed a desire to remain friends.

The next morning, he suggested we pray about our decision, which surprised me. I responded that while I don’t want a divorce, I am also not satisfied with our current marriage and hope for something better. He said he understood and left for work. However, by Friday, he was still unsure about what he wanted.

Now, I’m experiencing a whirlwind of emotions—anger, sadness, numbness, depression, fear, and frustration. I’m stuck in limbo, recognizing that saving our marriage would require significant counseling, a commitment from him to achieve sobriety, and hard work from both of us. It’s a daunting prospect, especially considering the possibility of a second divorce at the age of 68. This situation is incredibly painful, and although I know there are no simple solutions, sharing this feels somewhat relieving. Thank you for listening.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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Your husband’s recent confession about his dissatisfaction with life in California, his job, and your shared interests, coupled with his increased marijuana use and internet addiction, has put a strain on your marriage. His desire to focus on his music and be alone, while you have family commitments that keep you rooted, adds another layer of complexity. Despite his reassurances that his feelings are not a reflection of you, the talk of separation is heartbreaking.

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:9

Emotional Turmoil

It’s natural to feel a whirlwind of emotions—anger, sadness, numbness, depression, fear, and frustration. These feelings are valid and part of the process of grappling with such a significant life change. Here are some steps to help you navigate this emotional turmoil:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7

Acknowledge Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Bottling them up can lead to greater distress. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking professional counseling can provide an outlet for these feelings.
Pray and Seek God’s Guidance: Prayer is a powerful tool in times of distress. Bring your concerns, fears, and hopes to God. Ask for His guidance, wisdom, and peace. As Philippians 4:6-7 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Lean on Scripture: The Bible offers comfort and guidance. Verses like Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” can provide solace. Reflect on passages that speak to God’s love, faithfulness, and the hope He offers.

Practical Steps

Consider Counseling: Professional counseling can be invaluable. A Christian counselor can help both of you navigate your issues from a faith-based perspective. Counseling can provide tools for better communication, conflict resolution, and understanding each other’s needs and struggles.
Set Boundaries and Expectations: If your husband is willing to work on the marriage, set clear boundaries and expectations. This might include his commitment to sobriety, reducing internet use, and actively participating in counseling sessions.
Focus on Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is crucial. Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. Exercise, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones can help alleviate stress and provide a sense of normalcy.
Build a Support System: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and church members. Their encouragement and prayers can provide strength and comfort during this challenging time.

Reflecting on the Future

The prospect of a second divorce at 68 is daunting, but it’s important to consider what is best for your emotional and spiritual well-being. Reflect on the following:

Assess the Relationship: Evaluate whether your husband is genuinely committed to making the necessary changes. His willingness to pray about the decision is a positive sign, but consistent actions are crucial.
Seek God’s Will: Ultimately, seek God’s will for your life and marriage. Trust that He has a plan for you, even if it’s not immediately clear. Jeremiah 29:11 assures us, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Prepare for All Outcomes: While working towards reconciliation, also prepare yourself for the possibility of separation. Ensure you have the emotional, financial, and spiritual support needed to navigate either path.

Navigating marital struggles is never easy, but with faith, prayer, and practical steps, you can find a way forward. Remember, you are not alone—God is with you, and there are people who care about you and are ready to support you. Trust in God’s plan, take care of yourself, and seek the guidance and help you need. Your journey may be challenging, but with God’s grace, you can find hope and healing.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.Matthew 11:28-29

Share the story with family and friends, allowing them to experience it alongside you.