I'm feeling so scared and alone, and I don't know what to do to help my husband

Living with a spouse who struggles with alcoholism can be an incredibly isolating and painful experience. As a Christian wife, you may feel torn between your love for your husband and the overwhelming hurt caused by his addiction. This article aims to provide guidance, support, and hope for those navigating this difficult journey.

Raquel’s Story

I’m feeling so scared and alone, and I don’t know what to do to help my husband. Around a year and a half ago, my husband was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Since then, he’s had brief periods of not drinking, with the longest being 3 months after having neck surgery last year. But overall, he’s actively drinking again. Maybe not the same quantity as before, but his doctors clearly told him he needed to never have another drop of alcohol in his life.

Every time he drinks, he justifies it – “I only had half of one,” “I only had this much,” “I didn’t get drunk and pass out.” For the first year after his diagnosis, I didn’t push the issue. I would ask him now and again if he’d thought about when he was going to stop, and the answer was always “next week.” After his last visit in January when his doctor told him to stop drinking or he’s going to die, I stopped asking. When I catch him drinking, I call him out… and oh my gosh, the LYING is absolutely killing me.

He HATES it when I call him out on his drinking. He doesn’t want to discuss it with me. I ended up telling his brother what was going on because I had hoped maybe he could reach my husband where I can’t since they are twins. But now my husband is avoiding his brother too.

Last weekend, I left town for work, and he drank every single night I was gone. He even bought alcohol the night before I left, and I caught him. He had just gotten bloodwork done, and it came back okay, so he “rewarded” himself by buying alcohol. No matter what I tell him, his brain convinces him he can still drink. I even showed him research on cirrhosis and how your numbers can be fine, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay. I asked him to pour it out – he told me no, but then came to me later that night and told me he had researched it and decided to pour it out. But then he drank the next 4 days I was gone.

I try to get him to dig deeper into triggers, cravings, and how to avoid them. He has a friend across the street who is a very heavy drinker, and 9 times out of 10, when my husband picks up a drink, it’s at his house. It happened again today. He told me he was going over there (he hadn’t drank in 6 days). He told me he was not going to drink, that he was good and he had this. I believed him. But when he came back, he said he drank “half” a drink. I called him out. And now, a few hours later, he’s back over there again.

We talked about triggers today, and I told him again that he’s got to dig into that, or he’s not going to get better. I told him that I believe his friend’s house is a big trigger for him since when he slips, it’s almost always over there. But he told me no, that his friend’s house is not a trigger… that I am a trigger when I come after him about his drinking (which is nonsense).

I just don’t know what to do. I know he’s got to make this decision himself, but is there anything I can do? Should I talk to his friend across the street and tell them my husband can’t drink? I feel like I’m all over the place right now trying to sort this all out in my head. The amount of hurt I feel is overwhelming sometimes. My husband is the sweetest, kindest, funniest person I know. We’ve been together for 5 years, and until the alcohol became an issue with his doctors, we never even fought… but now he’s just a completely different person when we have to talk about it. It’s like being married to 2 different people, and I just miss the loving person I married. I just want him to be okay, and he’s not.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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Dealing with a spouse who struggles with alcohol addiction, especially when it has led to severe health issues like cirrhosis, can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. As a Christian, you may find yourself grappling with feelings of fear, frustration, and helplessness. Here are some steps and considerations that may help you navigate this difficult journey, grounded in both practical advice and Christian principles.

Your husband’s diagnosis of cirrhosis and his continued drinking despite medical warnings is a serious concern. Cirrhosis is a severe liver condition that can be life-threatening, and abstaining from alcohol is crucial for his health. His justifications for drinking and the lies he tells to cover it up are common behaviors in those struggling with addiction.

Steps You Can Take

1. Educate Yourself

Understanding addiction is crucial. Addiction is a chronic disease that affects the brain and behavior, making it difficult for individuals to stop using substances even when they know the harmful consequences. Educate yourself about addiction, its triggers, and the recovery process. This knowledge can provide empathy and help you communicate more effectively with your husband.

2. Seek Support

You are not alone in this struggle. Seek support from groups like Al-Anon, which is specifically for the families of alcoholics. These groups offer a safe space to share your experiences and gain insights from others who are in similar situations. Additionally, consider seeking counseling for yourself to help manage the emotional toll this situation is taking on you.

3. Set Boundaries

Setting clear and firm boundaries is essential. This is not about controlling your husband but about protecting your own well-being and creating a healthy environment. For example, you might decide that if he drinks, he cannot stay at home that night. Boundaries help to reduce enabling behaviors and encourage your husband to take responsibility for his actions.

4. Communicate with Love and Honesty

When discussing his drinking, choose a time when he is sober and calm. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel scared and hurt when you drink because I worry about your health.” Avoid arguments and focus on expressing your concern and love.

5. Encourage Professional Help

Encourage your husband to seek professional help. This could include seeing a doctor, a therapist, or joining a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Sometimes, an intervention led by a professional can help him realize the severity of his situation and the need for treatment.

6. Pray and Lean on Your Faith

As a Christian, prayer can be a powerful tool. Pray for your husband’s healing and for strength and wisdom for yourself. Lean on your faith community for support. Remember that God is with you in this struggle, and He can provide comfort and guidance.

7. Take Care of Yourself

Your well-being is crucial. Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s spending time with friends, pursuing a hobby, or simply taking time to rest. Self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary for you to be able to support your husband effectively.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.Matthew 11:28-30

Addressing Triggers and Influences

Your husband’s friend across the street, who is a heavy drinker, seems to be a significant trigger for him. While you cannot control his friend’s actions, you can encourage your husband to recognize and avoid situations that lead to drinking. Discussing this with his friend might help, but it could also backfire if not handled delicately. It might be more effective to focus on helping your husband develop strategies to resist temptation and find healthier social activities.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7

Biblical Perspective

Reflect on what Jesus would do in this situation. Jesus showed compassion and love to those struggling with sin and addiction. He also spoke truth and encouraged repentance. Balancing love and truth is key. Show your husband unconditional love, but also be honest about the consequences of his actions and the need for change.

Dealing with a spouse’s addiction is a complex and painful journey, but you are not alone. By educating yourself, seeking support, setting boundaries, communicating with love, encouraging professional help, leaning on your faith, and taking care of yourself, you can navigate this difficult path. Remember, change is possible, and with God’s help, you can find strength and hope in this challenging time.

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