I've been with my partner for 10 years

Navigating the turbulent waters of infidelity and addiction in a long-term relationship is an incredibly challenging and heart-wrenching experience. As a Christian blogger, I want to offer you some guidance and support based on biblical principles and practical advice. Your story is one of deep pain, but also of potential hope and healing. Here’s a comprehensive approach to help you through this difficult time.

Susan’s Story

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. He’s always been a “functional” alcoholic, as he likes to put it. Drinking was just part of the scene he grew up in, since his father was an extreme alcoholic and his mother abused prescription drugs.

For the first 8 years of our relationship, we had our ups and downs, but around year 6, I convinced him to quit drinking hard liquor. He stuck to just beer, and things were relatively normal – we barely fought, enjoyed being together, and did fun family activities.

However, two years ago, a friend at work gave him a small bottle of vodka as a thank-you gift, and that was the start of his downward spiral. He convinced himself he could handle hard liquor again, but everything went downhill from there.

Last summer, we were constantly fighting because he was barely sober. Then I got the devastating news that my brother had taken his own life. I had to travel across the country to be with my family, leaving my alcoholic partner at home, which made him angry at me for leaving him.

While I was gone grieving my brother’s loss, I asked a friend to check on my partner. There was an incident that gave me a terrible gut feeling. When I asked him about it directly, he reassured me that nothing had happened. But yesterday, I found out that my gut was right – he got drunk and high with my best friend and cheated on me while I was burying my brother.

The guilt over his infidelity has only increased his drinking tenfold since last summer. Physically, he’s a shell of his former self. He recently had a workplace accident because of his drinking and told his job he needed help. His union found him a spot in rehab, which he’ll be entering in 11 days.

My son and I are currently staying with a friend until my partner leaves for rehab. I don’t know what I want from writing this – I’m heartbroken, but I still love this man deeply, and I don’t know what to do. Part of me is still in shock, but another part of me knew something had happened months ago based on that gut feeling.

He immediately admitted everything when I found proof of his cheating, and I don’t think he’s been unfaithful before this incident. It’s still too raw for me to make any decisions yet, but I’d like to hear how others have handled infidelity – whether they stayed or left the relationship.

Rationally, I know I should leave. But my life is financially dependent on his – I’m a stay-at-home mom caring for our special needs child, he’s the sole breadwinner, and the home is inherited property just in his name. We have a legal agreement that separates our assets, so I have no rights to anything of his.

Moving away would also disrupt my son’s government-funded therapies that he desperately needs. By the time we got on a new waitlist somewhere else, he may have aged out of being able to access those services.

When I spoke to my partner, he said he just needs to focus on his sobriety right now. He hopes that when he gets back from rehab, if I’m still here, he can start proving he’s a man worth forgiving. I’m so lost and unsure of what to do next.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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Infidelity and addiction are both profound breaches of trust that can shake the very foundation of a relationship. Your partner’s relapse into heavy drinking and subsequent infidelity while you were grieving your brother’s loss is a significant betrayal. It’s important to acknowledge the depth of your pain and the complexity of your situation.

Financial Dependence and Special Needs Child

Your financial dependence on your partner and the need to provide consistent care for your special needs child add layers of complexity to your decision-making process. Moving away could disrupt your child’s essential therapies, which are crucial for his development.

Biblical Perspective on Infidelity and Forgiveness

Seeking Forgiveness and Repentance

The Bible emphasizes the importance of forgiveness but also the necessity of genuine repentance. In Luke 17:3-4, Jesus teaches that if someone sins against you and repents, you should forgive them. Your partner’s willingness to enter rehab and his hope to prove himself worthy of forgiveness are steps toward repentance, but they must be accompanied by consistent actions and genuine change.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.James 1:2-4

The Covenant of Marriage

Marriage is a sacred covenant, and infidelity is a serious breach of that covenant. However, the Bible also provides room for reconciliation and restoration. In Matthew 19:8-9, Jesus acknowledges that infidelity is grounds for divorce but does not mandate it, leaving room for forgiveness and healing if both parties are willing to work through the issues.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.1 Corinthians 10:13

Practical Steps to Take

1. Seek Counseling

Both individual and couples counseling can be incredibly beneficial. A Christian counselor can help you navigate your emotions, provide biblical guidance, and support you in making informed decisions. Counseling can also help your partner address his addiction and the underlying issues that led to his infidelity.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7

2. Establish Boundaries

While your partner is in rehab, it’s crucial to establish clear boundaries. This includes setting expectations for his behavior post-rehab and defining what you need to see from him to consider reconciliation. Boundaries are essential for rebuilding trust and ensuring your emotional and physical safety.

3. Financial Planning

Given your financial dependence, it’s important to explore ways to secure your financial future. This might include: – Budgeting: Create a detailed budget to manage your expenses and identify areas where you can cut costs. – Seeking Assistance: Look into government programs, non-profits, and church resources that can provide financial assistance or support for single parents and families with special needs children. – Legal Advice: Consult with a lawyer to understand your rights and explore options for financial support, even if you are not married.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.Ephesians 4:31-32

4. Support Networks

Lean on your support networks, including friends, family, and your church community. They can provide emotional support, practical help, and spiritual guidance during this difficult time.

5. Focus on Your Well-being

Your well-being is paramount, both for your sake and for your child’s. Engage in self-care practices, such as prayer, meditation, exercise, and hobbies that bring you joy and peace. Remember Philippians 4:6-7, which encourages us to present our requests to God and promises that His peace will guard our hearts and minds.

Making a Decision

Weighing Your Options

Deciding whether to stay or leave is deeply personal and complex. Consider the following: – Your Partner’s Commitment: Is he genuinely committed to sobriety and rebuilding trust? His actions post-rehab will be telling. – Your Emotional Health: Can you see a path to healing and forgiveness, or is the pain too great to overcome? – Your Child’s Needs: How will your decision impact your child’s well-being and access to necessary therapies?

Trusting God’s Guidance

Ultimately, seek God’s guidance in your decision-making process. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Your journey is undoubtedly difficult, but remember that you are not alone. God is with you, and there are resources and people ready to support you. Whether you choose to stay and work on your relationship or decide to leave for your well-being and that of your child, trust that God will guide you and provide for you. Take one step at a time, and lean on your faith and community for strength and wisdom.

Share the story with family and friends, allowing them to experience it alongside you.