My boyfriend, now ex, is a high-functioning alcoholic, but he refuses to admit he has a problem

Being in a relationship with someone battling addiction is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. You love your partner deeply, but you are slowly losing them to the grip of alcoholism or substance abuse.

Carol’s Story

My boyfriend, now ex, is a high-functioning alcoholic, but he refuses to admit he has a problem. He thinks his drinking is normal for a young person going out with friends. I don’t disagree with that, but once he starts drinking, he can’t stop. He’ll stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning because he can’t control himself. He drinks every night at home, either with people or by himself.

He works at a restaurant where he can drink for free, which is how this problem started. As soon as he started working there, his drinking escalated to the point where he no longer has control over it. The past few months have been the worst. He’s been out maybe three or four nights a week, staying out until 3 or 4 am, and comes home completely drunk. I knew it bothered me that he went out so late, but he couldn’t control himself once he started drinking.

Finally, I told him enough is enough. The last time he went out, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and that maybe we needed some space to figure out a solution. I wasn’t considering breaking up permanently, but more of a break to figure things out. After a few days apart, we had a talk, and he told me he was not willing to change or compromise. He said he will NOT give up the drinking or even come to any sort of a compromise. He kept saying that I’m too good for him and that I deserve better. He won’t admit that his drinking is a problem, but he says he can’t give it up. He said he wants to be out every night and that I don’t deserve that.

We’ve been together for three and a half years and live together in our apartment. I’m staying with friends until I can find a new place, and he’s going to put our apartment up for sublease. All of this chaos is so stressful; I can’t even pinpoint what bothers me the most. Sometimes I think I will be better off without him, yet I’m worried that he won’t be okay. I’m worried that his drinking is only going to escalate, and he will eventually hit rock bottom. It hurts that the choice to choose alcohol over me was so easy for him. He didn’t think twice about it. I keep thinking that if he asked me to give anything up, I would do it without thinking twice. It hurts that he doesn’t feel the same.

He said he doesn’t see himself spending the rest of his life with me, that he just sees himself alone. He’s so down on himself; it’s hard to see. I’m so hurt that he could choose his drinking over our relationship, and I feel lost. I haven’t eaten anything in the past five days, and I’m having trouble sleeping. I do have friends and family to turn to, but I feel as though I’m burdening everyone with my sadness.

I’m writing this here because if there’s anyone out there who’s been through something similar, I could use some support. Alcoholism is a scary and painful disease, and I feel that as soon as we’ve moved out of our apartment, I won’t have contact with him anymore, and I’m worried that he won’t be okay. But he’s the one who made this choice, not me. I was willing to stay with him, to help him. I was going to start going to Al-Anon meetings to learn how I can stay with him and help him. But he made the choice to let me go.

We’re not arguing or fighting; every time we see each other, we’re both crying and hugging each other. It’s not a bitter breakup but more one of sadness from both parties. I guess I could just use advice and support from others as this has been especially difficult, and I’m running out of places to turn. Any response would be appreciated.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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As Christians, we are called to love unconditionally and have patience, even in the darkest of times. However, there is a fine line between being supportive and enabling destructive behavior. When your partner consistently chooses their addiction over your relationship, despite your willingness to help them get treatment, it may be time to step back for your own wellbeing.

The Harsh Reality of Addiction

Addiction is a disease that warps the mind, making the substance of choice the top priority over everything else – even the deepest loves and commitments. An addict in the throes of alcoholism or drug abuse is being controlled by distorted thoughts and compulsions that non-addicts cannot fully comprehend.

As Proverbs 20:1 warns, “Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, and whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise.” When your partner is under the influence, their ability to make rational choices is severely impaired. The addiction is the true enemy you are battling against.

When They Refuse Help

One of the most disheartening aspects of being with an addict is their frequent refusal to admit they have a problem or need help. Like the story above, they may justify their behavior as normal, even as it spirals out of control. They make empty promises to cut back, but are unwilling to make any real changes.

At this point, you must accept that you cannot force them into recovery. As painful as it is, you cannot make someone get sober – they have to make that choice for themselves when they hit their personal rock bottom. Continuing to enable them or stay in a codependent cycle will only delay the inevitable need for them to take responsibility.

In Matthew 7:6, Jesus tells us “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.” As hard as it is, sometimes we must step back from trying to help those who are not ready to accept it, lest we enable further self-destruction.

Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care

When your partner is actively choosing their addiction over your relationship, despite your best efforts, it is okay to create boundaries to protect your own mental health and wellbeing. This may mean temporarily separating, as the person in the story did, to remove yourself from the toxic situation.

During this time apart, resist the urge to try to control or change your partner. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself through prayer, counseling, support groups, and relying on your Christian community. Attend Al-Anon or celebrate recovery meetings to learn how to detach with love while still supporting your partner’s potential recovery.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.1 Corinthians 10:13

Lean on scriptures about finding peace and strength, such as Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” You cannot save your partner – only God can grant them the courage and willingness to address their addiction. But you can save yourself from being consumed by the chaos of loving someone in active addiction.

Have Faith and Surrender to God’s Plan

One of the hardest parts of walking away from an addicted partner is the fear of what may happen to them when you are no longer there to catch them every time they fall. You love them deeply and want so badly for them to get help before they hit rock bottom.

In these moments, you must surrender your fears to God and trust in His plan. Perhaps your partner needs to experience the full consequences of their choices before they can find recovery. Or perhaps this trial is building strength, perseverance and reliance on the Lord for you both.

Romans 12:12 calls us to “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Have faith that if you stay rooted in Christ, He will show you the way forward, one step at a time. Your partner’s struggle does not define you or determine your worth. With God’s grace, you will emerge from this valley stronger than before.

My friend, I know the pain you are going through is excruciating. My heart aches for you and all the other Christian partners out there loving an addict. But take hope – nothing is impossible for God. Stay rooted in your faith, prioritize your own wellbeing, and trust that He has a greater plan. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

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