My boyfriend of two years, who is a recovering alcoholic, broke up with me this past Saturday

Linda’s Story

My boyfriend of two years, who is a recovering alcoholic, broke up with me this past Saturday. I’ve been obsessively watching YouTube videos and scouring online resources, hoping to find some clarity and hope, but I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m just a day away from needing to check myself into a mental health facility.

Two weeks ago, he told me out of the blue, “I need some time. I need to think about what I want.” It was very short and vague. The reason he said this was that even if we didn’t see each other for a week or two, we would always text each other good morning, usually him first, and he would call me after work every day. But I went a few days without him doing either of those things. When I politely told him how much those little acts of communication meant to me during our times apart, he said he just hasn’t been thinking about any of that lately because he’s been busy working on himself.

I gave him a week of space, and then checked in with him this past Saturday. After some small talk, I asked him directly where we stood. He told me he isn’t “relationship available right now, and it honestly is not what’s important to him right now.” He said he’s not able to give me the attention I need and he doesn’t want to be responsible for my anxiety or misery. He said he doesn’t feel any romantic emotions for anyone, but followed that by saying he still loves me more than anything, even though he doesn’t know what the future holds. He feels like he doesn’t know how to handle any relationship situations or problems because normally he would just get drunk and forget his problems. At the end, he said, “we can definitely still talk.”

For context, he went to a 30-day rehab program in September, and has been going to meetings and really focused on his sobriety. I’m trying so hard to accept this situation, but he is the love of my life. I can’t move on. Every single day, I feel worse and worse. I’ve never cried so much in my life.

Since the breakup, I’ve texted him a couple of times with updates about funny or exciting things happening in my day. I’ve gotten replies hours later, but they are short and feel cold. When I said to him that he said we could still talk and be friends but it’s hard when I’m the only one trying, I never heard back.

My goal is to go no contact for a while, but this situation consumes my every thought. Yesterday, I even stooped to texting his mom “to see how she was” and asked if he had found a sponsor, since he was looking for one a few weeks ago and I wonder if that had something to do with this breakup. I told her how shattered I am and that this doesn’t feel right. She said he doesn’t know who he is anymore after years of being drunk, and that he needs to figure that out first, and that what’s meant to be will be.

I understand all the logic around why he might need this time and space to focus on himself in sobriety. I’ve researched and educated myself. But it doesn’t make it any easier. Last summer we were talking about moving in together and getting married, and now we’re nothing to each other.

Am I stupid for still having hope? Am I dumb for still trying to text him? It’s really hard to go from talking to someone you love with all your being every single day, to suddenly having nothing. Has anyone else been through a situation like this? I know the advice is not to date for a year after getting sober, but I didn’t think that meant leaving your long-term partner completely in the dust. Please, I need some sanity, clarity and perspective.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.