Being married to an alcoholic who struggles with depression, anger issues, and denial about their addiction is an incredibly challenging situation. Over years of dealing with verbal abuse, constant criticism, frightening behavior like road rage, and a refusal to get help, it’s understandable to feel emotionally checked out of the marriage. When children are also impacted by a parent’s destructive behavior, it becomes even more imperative to create a healthy environment for them.
Setting boundaries is not about abandoning your spouse or giving up on the marriage. Rather, it’s about protecting your own wellbeing and that of your children. You have a God-given right to remove yourself from harmful situations and to decide what behaviors you will and will not accept in your life. As the book of Proverbs states, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 27:12).
Boundaries are an act of love – both for yourself and for your spouse. By removing yourself from an abusive environment, you are showing that certain behaviors are unacceptable. This can potentially motivate your spouse to get the help they need. Continuing to enable the abuse by staying in an unsafe situation does not truly help your spouse in the long run.
Prioritizing Self-Care
After years of emotional turmoil, it’s understandable to feel relieved when your husband moved out and to question if you want to continue the marriage, even if he gets sober. Putting your own wellbeing first is not selfish – it’s necessary for your long-term health and ability to make wise decisions about your future.
In this situation, focusing on your own healing is crucial. Seek counseling, rely on your support system, and allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions without judging them. As Galatians 6:5 says, “for each one should carry their own load.” You cannot carry the burden of your spouse’s addiction and recovery alone.
The Role of Faith
As a Christian, you can find strength and wisdom in God’s Word. Pray for discernment about the next steps and have faith that God will guide you. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Feelings of guilt about “abandoning” your spouse during recovery are understandable, but misguided. You are not responsible for his choices or his healing – that is between him and God. By setting boundaries, you are simply refusing to enable destructive behavior any longer. “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Moving Forward
Only you can decide if reconciliation is possible once your husband completes rehab. If he demonstrates real, sustained change and a commitment to sobriety, it may be worth considering. However, you are under no obligation to remain in a marriage where you don’t feel safe, loved or respected.
Seek Godly counsel from a pastor, counselor or trusted Christian friends. Pray fervently. And remember, putting your trust in the Lord and making self-care a priority is not selfish – it’s obedience. “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). You cannot truly love others well until you have taken care of your own needs.
In this difficult season, cling to God’s promise: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9). With faith, boundaries, self-care and wise counsel, you can find healing and clarity about the next right steps.