My husband has been struggling with alcohol dependency for a while now

Dealing with a spouse’s alcohol dependency is incredibly challenging, especially when you’re on the brink of welcoming a new baby into the world. Your love and commitment to your husband are evident, but it’s crucial to balance supporting him with protecting yourself and your children. Here are some steps and strategies to help you navigate this difficult situation from a Christian perspective.

Nancy’s Story

My husband has been struggling with alcohol dependency for a while now. We’ve been together for 20 years, married for 12. I’m almost 39 weeks pregnant, and we also have a 4-year-old daughter.

My husband has dealt with severe anxiety and depression for years. About two months ago, I noticed his drinking had become really heavy. One night, he sat me down and confessed that he had been drinking heavily for about a year and was completely dependent on alcohol. He said he couldn’t stop without immediately feeling withdrawal symptoms. We had an open and honest conversation, and his psychiatrist prescribed medications to help ease the cravings.

A few weeks later, my husband tried to quit cold turkey over a weekend, but the withdrawals were so bad that he had to take himself to the ER (I couldn’t find someone to stay with our daughter). It really scared him, and he stopped drinking for about a month.

However, a few weeks ago, he had a setback and started drinking again. I told him it was okay as long as he was honest with me about when he drank, and we could continue working through it together. But he started hiding it from me again, even after I showed him patience, empathy, and love. I got angry but reiterated that I would prefer if he either drank openly or at least told me about it. We came up with code phrases he could use so he didn’t have to admit “failure” directly.

Despite this, he continued hiding his drinking from me, sneaking out to his car to take swigs, thinking I wouldn’t notice or smell it on him. Tonight, I confronted him again and gave him an ultimatum: be honest, go to AA, or I would tell his family. It didn’t go well, and I didn’t handle it well either.

I’m at a loss as to how to handle this anymore. We’re about to have a newborn, and I can’t worry about his every move, but I love him and know he’s going through internal turmoil. I would love tips on how to stop enabling him while still supporting him, and what my next steps should be. I know only he can decide to get sober.

Note: All names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

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Enabling behaviors often stem from a place of love and a desire to help, but they can inadvertently prolong the addiction. Here are some signs of enabling and steps to stop it:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7

Signs of Enabling

Covering Up: Making excuses for your husband’s behavior or hiding his drinking from others.
Financial Support: Giving him money that he might use to buy alcohol.
Taking Over Responsibilities: Handling his duties because he is too intoxicated or hungover to do them himself.
Minimizing the Problem: Downplaying the severity of his addiction.

Steps to Stop Enabling

Set Clear Boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors you will not tolerate and the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. For example, you might say, “If you continue to drink, you cannot stay in our home.”
Follow Through: Consistently enforce the boundaries you set. If you say there will be consequences, ensure they are implemented.
Encourage Professional Help: Urge your husband to seek professional treatment, such as inpatient rehab or therapy. Offer to help him find resources but make it clear that he needs to take the initiative.
Seek Support for Yourself: Join support groups like Al-Anon, which are designed for families of alcoholics. These groups can provide you with emotional support and practical advice.
Focus on Self-Care: Ensure you are taking care of your own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. This might include prayer, meditation, exercise, or hobbies that bring you joy and peace.

Communicating with Your Husband

Effective communication is key to supporting your husband without enabling his addiction. Here are some tips:

Choose the Right Time: Talk to your husband when he is sober and calm. Avoid confrontations when he is under the influence.
Be Honest and Compassionate: Express your concerns without blaming or shaming him. Use “I” statements to describe how his drinking affects you and the family.
Offer Support, Not Ultimatums: While it’s important to set boundaries, try to avoid ultimatums that might push him away. Instead, offer to support him in seeking help.
Use Code Phrases: Since you already have code phrases, continue using them to facilitate open communication without making him feel like a failure.

Seeking Professional Help

Given the severity of your husband’s addiction and his previous withdrawal symptoms, professional help is crucial. Here are some options:

Inpatient Rehab: This provides a structured environment where he can detox safely and receive intensive therapy.
Outpatient Programs: These allow him to receive treatment while still living at home, which might be more feasible given your family situation.
Medication-Assisted Treatment (MAT): Medications like naltrexone, acamprosate, or disulfiram can help reduce cravings and prevent relapse.
Therapy: Individual or family therapy can address underlying issues contributing to his addiction and help you both develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Leaning on Faith

As a Christian, your faith can be a source of strength and guidance during this challenging time. Here are some ways to incorporate your faith into your journey:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.1 Corinthians 10:13

Prayer: Pray for your husband’s healing and for strength and wisdom for yourself. Trust that God is with you and your family.
Scripture: Reflect on Bible verses that offer comfort and guidance. For example, Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Church Community: Seek support from your church community. They can offer prayers, encouragement, and practical help.
Christian Counseling: Consider seeking a Christian counselor who can provide faith-based guidance and support.

Balancing support for your husband with protecting yourself and your children is a delicate and challenging task. By setting clear boundaries, seeking professional help, and leaning on your faith, you can navigate this difficult journey with grace and strength. Remember, you are not alone—there are resources and communities ready to support you every step of the way.

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